Surviving the year of the Big 4-0

Birthdays…

Its a mix of ‘Hey, its my birthday, today has to be special!’ and ‘Oh crap, its my birthday and that wish I made blowing out all those fucking candles still hasn’t came true!’

This year there is a lot less celebrating being planned. Last year was the big 4-0. After 40 its like  you fall into a hole on birthdays and people don’t know what to say to you or even pretend to care.

On the outside I know I look the same. (Yeah, so much for losing weight by my next birthday!) But I want to start off every conversation with, my inside is different! My heart has loved a man. (btw- none of my family or friends know of that!) This past year I’ve broken chains and walls down inside my head and have found a start of how to forgive myself of things I had no control over in my past. I’m not going nights and nights of no sleep worrying over ‘little’ things. I’m still working on those things, but the woman/girl I am is no where the same as the one at 4-0. I’m kinder to myself.  No I am not where I want to be mentally and/or even physically. But I’m not settling any more like I was in my pat for just the status quo. I’m focused on the looking forwards instead of regretting things behind me that couldn’t have changed anyway.

So I give a birthday toast to myself, that this year will be just as full of growth and chocked full of smiles and silly laughter. That’s my birthday wish and what I really want more than anything for myself. I want a lifetime of smiles and laughter.   (AND John Bender, I always will want John Bender! lol Maybe he’ll pop out of cake for me later only wearing a little g-string covered in buttercream icing?!  Him covered in icing,  not the g-string. 😉 What? Can’t a girl dream?! Its my birthday, get off my cloud!  winks giggles and smirks!)

~m