‘THIS’

I have went back and forth,on even posting this? But the emotional roller-coaster of the past 24 has my head screaming to write.

Yesterday was my birthday.

Yesterday, I found a lump on my breast.

Yesterday, I felt fear.

Am still feeling fear.

I am still feeling fear, and so many other feelings. I don’t even know if they have names for those feelings?

And I started my day so normal. As I would any other weekday, getting ready for work and thinking of plans later for the evening celebrating with my family… And here,  not even 24 hrs later. I realize this fear has changed me.  Already.

Maybe it’s temporary. Maybe it will mark my words with its color forever.

But angrily I resent it.  I hate that it’s making me cry incoherent thoughts by witnessing the sunset, and its rise this morning. Or last night,  seeing smiles exchanged between lovers- oh I despise this lump, it has isolated me to these riotous feelings, and has even had my doctor preparing me for the worst.

24 hours. Actually more like 22.

Irony, right?  That I couldn’t wait 22hrs to be introduced personally to the ‘c’ word? That word- I can’t even type it right now. But its apparent discovery, had to be on my birthday?  Talk about a grand entrance of entrances.

Happy birthday to me, huh?!

I just feel so betrayed-by my body,by the timing of the universe. And there’s not a fucking thing I can I do, could have done, to change it.

Not even my words here can change it.

All I can do is move through my day, a shell of who I was, and await results. And fluctuate between angry sulking, and tearful confusion that ‘THIS’ is actually happening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hate-ship

Gaslight my sunset days red

Striking matches wet with tears

While herding my goats

With a charming conniving smile

 

Passion burns bridges blue

Intensity of the highest hate

Frosting warm hearts

In condescending icy dew

 

Forgiveness is divine

While hate is the  unsung lullaby

Lived daily

By megalomaniacs

 

Burn me quicker

Than whispered prayers

Bitter berries ripe

Sow seeds of instability

 

Jealousy impersonates

Ventriloquist’s throw voices

Sabotaging bouquet’s all simultaneously

From corners of poisoned lips

 

Toxicity drowns lights rays

Sucking a noodle’s gravity from black-holes

My hope struggles to flicker SOS

To to the refugee’s of humanity

 

Colors smudge muddy, I see you for what you are

Prideful honor hunts vanity

But yet I remain mute

Tongue crippled by a cat’s confusion

 

My silence seen as frailty

Gives you grins of murmured mirth

I lick flesh wounds salty for strength

Beginning an underdog’s rebellion of stymies

 

Armored to know your beast

I once was loyal friend and cared

Recrimination unadulterated prepared

Vengeance of disregard will be an egocentrics hell

 

~m

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Living your dreams

 

(Disneyland’s Swiss Family Robinson’s Tree house)

 

Don’t criticize me for being a dreamer,

My dreams survive like the Swiss Family Robinson.

My tree house

Resides high up in the clouds…

Maybe that’s why

you can’t understand my lofty views?

 

~m


 

This past month my best friend and I, made a huge decision- we have partnered to start a LLC together. It most certainly is not going to make us rich monetarily, but it will (I believe!) give us financial independence and soul satisfaction in doing work we both love and doing it together.  In a few years time, if we have committed to it and established ourselves in the NC arts community, I believe we will be successful enough to at least pay our bills. Or that is the plan anyway!
It is the hardest I have ever worked for or on anything- ever.  Because I want it.
I do have a few apprehensions, but doesn’t every new venture have those? Of course I worry that I’ll be able to stay driven. I worry that I’m investing every dime I have in savings toward it and then some, and it still might not work…  but that’s life right? Risk?  I’m tired of giving my hours of work for someone else who doesn’t appreciate the asset that I am. I know most of us do that and I’m in no way trying to sing my praises or that I am above anyone. I’m not. But I am a hard worker, and currently my day job is slowly sucking my soul away, like the pit of dispaire. And this is not what I was trying to type about here. lol
This poem came out of having my feelings hurt today by a family member because of aforementioned decision in my life.
They told me and they believe, that I am being too unrealistic.
That was their words- You’re being too unrealistic.  Then they dismissed it as not even being worthy of their time to hear anymore of it.
Yes, I am a dreamer. I own and claim that I am. I really am one of the biggest dreamers to have ever lived up to the Pisces attributed definition!
But because I am a dreamer, that doesn’t mean that I am stupid, or that my ideas and dreams are not worth living and trying, right? (And I am talking about good dreams and ideas, not those crazy ‘what if’s’ of winning a lottery type of dreams.) I have crunched numbers, I have gotten advice from small business associations and attorneys- this isn’t a spur of the moment decision for me and my friend. This is something that we have given lots of thought to, given lots of resources to, and still we feel we are making (good)educated decisions going forward on this life changing plan. We accept that there are risk involved but we really feel that we can make a good go of this.
I’m mad at myself, for letting someone get in my head and make me doubt my own abilities. Especially with it being a family member.  I know there is adversity everywhere on the road for this plan. But there is adversity everywhere in life.  I thought I would at least find a little interest in finding who I am? I dunno, maybe I’m just being too sensitive about it all.
If a stranger had said that to me,  that I am too unrealistic… I wouldn’t have batted an eyelash at them. It probably wouldn’t have even registered with me as an insult, but instead as motivation. But because the person who did say those words to me and they mean something to me, it stung and made me doubt this decision. It took a little umph out of my sails.
I am trying to remain open enough to remember we don’t all have to agree, and we don’t always have the same view of the world. But we can still love one another.

 

What is a flower? (Jeopardy answer of the day for what will kill me in the end?)

 

Ahhh, spring!  That beautiful short lived moment right between the first conscious thought of ‘the bushes and flowers are really gorgeous this year’ and the first Achoo.

I am absolutely miserable.

I’m sure anyone who has ever had their quality of breathing affected by seasonal allergies they can agree- being hyped up on decongestants, expectorants,  antihistamines, steroids, inhalers and antibiotics all at once, is a drug cocktail worth avoiding if you can!

It’s mother nature’s way of saying, ‘Hey, do you want to know what it is really like to be psychotic for a trial run? Pollution deserves one fair turn to another, you know?’

And the drugs having fun with you saying- Hey you weren’t interesting enough before, but you can breathe now so who cares if you can sleep or even sit still, or if your mood swings from bitch-of-the-century to I-don’t-know-whats-wrong-with-me within a minutes time?  AND You really rock those horns growing out of you forehead from the prednisone btw?’  (Prednisone is an evil, evil drug! lol)

Thanks, mother nature!  You rock yourself!  🙂  There is nothing better than seeing you every year this time to question which is more important to me, to be sane or being able to breathe!

 

So I’m giving warning labels to my writing for the next little bit:

  • It may seem off.
  • It may seem demented.
  • It may seem like I’m going through crisis.

But no worries, it’s just the lack of normal levels of oxygen to the brain as my body goes haywire rejecting all the pollen that is flying around me from all these gorgeous flowers I can barely see through red swollen itchy eyes.

I secretly suspect the flowers know exactly what they’re doing, and this is their plan to take over the world! (at least from me!)

I will not find my demise from a Zombie apocalypse- A flower will be what slays me!

 

~m

 

 

 

Observation, if not a little rant-y…

 

so-retro

So, I must admit it has been a few years since I was last blogging on WP.  I expected there to be changes to the format, which there were. I expected those who I use to enjoy reading to be gone,  which they are.

But what I didn’t expect was, when the heck did WP turn into a site for porn blogging, tactless selfie-postings and unmannerly self-promotion???  Yes, I say tactless.  Not because I consider myself a prude by any shortening (or stretch lol) of the word, but tactless because its inconsiderate.  If I want to look at smut porn, I’d go to my favorite sites and do just that. If I wanted to post revealing selfies, and I do! I’ve got several sites I can recommend for that kind of mischief! I’m probably coming from one of those right now.

75% of topics that I’ve searched for- the first post, if not the second one to pop up on my feed is someone with their goodies all spread open or looking up to the sky! No #NSFW warnings given here?? lol  And don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate erotica in most forms! My mind tends to stay on the filthy darkside of things most days, but that is neither here nor there. This is WP. I’m at work. Give me a break!  I’m not even coming from a place of this is bothering or offending me to see what we all were blessed with- our bodies.  Of course we should be proud to show it off! Just not here! lol Not without warning.   I think what is offending me(from the ones I’ve seen anyway) is that it’s blasé.  Its apathetic and vacuous. I’m all about broadening my horizons and being open-minded but this is taking away my one safe place to unplug from that, or what I thought was my safe place. Maybe I’m just getting the unlucky draw on the porn wheel of roulette on WP? lol  My mind has definitely been blown!

Please tell me I’m not the only one irked at my dashboard!

Stepping down off my rant (prudish old woman) block now and pulling my big panties up. I’ll be over here in the corner telling myself- Suck it up kitten! WP has sold out and grownup. It’s time you to grow up too and just deal with it!

 

~m

+footnote: I need to clarify, this was not about the erotica stories that are posted.  I’m talking about the visual pictures of individuals in my face. :p