Today is a off day. I’m finding my words are struggling to work themselves out on my keyboard! I don’t know if its where I am in my head at the moment working through all that has happened over the past few weeks(years!), or if it is just the type of Monday that it has been? This Monday has been CRA-zy! I really have to wonder if the full moon does in fact play some part of predicting lunacy in others (and ourselves) with the way today has been progressing. I’ve only been at work for right at 4 hrs and it already feels like I’ve put in a weeks worth of trouble.
That word ‘crazy’ has been forefront in my mind here a lot lately. The things with John Bender and how I feel about him, along with the way things were left and our track record… Then the stumbling onto the term ‘TwinFlames’ and how its resonated as a truth with signs that I’ve felt, and that I’ve witnessed and seen through out the time I’ve known him. Then add in its descriptions and how it just ‘feels’ organic and as natural truth. All of that, it just makes it so easy to believe in and that we are that special. But there’s another side to it.
I ‘feel’ crazy.
Have any of you questioned your sanity along this thought road?
I was raised small town Southern mentality with VERY(even capitalized that is understated!) conservative parents. Anything other than Christian belief and/or its values growing up in their household, was either frowned upon or right out termed as blasphemous and a sin. Not that I believe that way now. But there was a time in my life that I did. Up into my early 20’s in fact. I didn’t know better, it doesn’t excuse it but it was naiveté. There is still a lot that I don’t ‘know’ better on. It seems like the older I become age wise, the less and less I realize what I don’t know. (I’ll try and write more about that later. I think it would be beneficial to document my progression of spiritual growth in my adulthood even before any of this John Bender stuff.)
I’m pretty sure my background being what it is, is contributing to my feelings of ‘crazy’ but only because it makes me question against the tangible. Not that God is tangible. I still identify with being Christian. But it is so much more than what is preached(smirk) by today’s Christian society in how and what I believe. I don’t think any of it fits in a box. Fitting it in a box is what allows religion to control people and what also doesn’t allow us progress. Boxing it up keeps us oppressed not only individually but as a society. Christianity has some great fundamentals and ideals on love, but it crucifies itself making it a conditional thing. Again- I think I need to write a separate entry for this alone.
So I’m back to that word and what I’m feeling at times- crazy. Can there truly be a bond that exist between me and this man, that is felt so strongly that I still feel him even now after almost 2 weeks of no words? Or between any two people for that matter? It doesn’t have to necessarily be me and John Bender. Is there a real ‘since the beginning of time’ that exist for souls?
Doesn’t that make me ‘obsessive’ to think in those terms? To think there’s no one else for me and blah blah blah… How many billions are on the planet now? And there is only one? (I type that as a question, but and here is my crazy, I do believe he was the one half taken from me at the beginning of time.) Gahh!! I hate that word- obsessive! It’s a scary word! But obsessing is a sign of this existing, right? The not being able to forget them and you know you never will? Or that’s what I’ve read.
Am I just using the whole ‘TwinFlame’ idea to justify my feelings on something mentally unhealthy and trying to make it mentally healthy? Ohhh boy, what can of worms have I opened now that I’ve typed all that to the Universe? I have to wonder, if I am on the precipitous precipice of slipping into madness with short lucid moments of thinking, ‘Am I going crazy to believe in TwinFlames?’ Are my questions even dignified? Am I moonstruck? Lovestruck? Or is it just dumb luck? Just because I believe in something, does that make it so? If I look for something, am I not welcoming that into my life and so yes I’m probably going to see something to resemble that? So if I think ‘crazy’, by the law of attraction, I’m going to get ‘crazy’? Or am I just observing stating and overthinking what I see and feel?
Footnote- I am so scattered through this. I apologize for the lack of structure and organization. I needed to get it out, but it just was not flowing. I think my own lack of clarity and still figuring out my way and what I believe is why this post seems so awkward and clumsy.