There is a funny thing about life. It can and will always surprise you. Life will always uncannily show you how small your problems are in the relation to how much bigger this world actually is in an instant.

Okay, okay I know! We all already knew that, right? But its those little things that take me by surprise the most and pull me up short in times of melancholy.

Like how I can be sad mopey and throwing the pity party of the century, and some one I barely know(but know well)  will take the effort and time to write a poem to help cheer me up and make my day better.    (I’m not completely certain it was meant for me, but I think so! grin*)

Or how someone can just smile in passing on the street, and it can give warmth to take the edges off the sharp thoughts of your mind for a few seconds, minutes, hours. Time vary’s on the brilliance of that smile! Point of it being, it made you forget your troubles if even for a moment. It gave you peace.

Or how a child can gift you with a drawing, complete with stick figures wearing smiles or a paper filled by hearts, and when you ask ‘who’ is this ‘what’ is this? Their sweet innocent words will melt you when they tell you ‘it’s you and me silly’and you will feel the enormity of their innocent love for you. Not because  you earned it, but because that is what innocent love is.

These are the things that life is about.

It’s not about getting what we want. It’s not about the sadness or the disappointments of what we think we need and cannot obtain. It’s not about pity party’s and the whining of that old familiar song of ‘oh whoa is me, no one knows my problems’.  It’s not suppose to be like this. We will all go through tough times and we will all have a point (or several) in our lives where we will feel defeated. Its a human condition. It gives us understanding of the brevity of life. Its a checks and balances in place for us. If we didn’t have struggles we’d never attempt to grow.

It’s about those gifts that we so easily pass by without recognition. Because, and I realized this this morning, that it is so much more than their simple appearance of poems, smiles, and innocent love that they disguise themselves in. It’s energy.  Positive, pure,  free flowing energy, and it is being gifted to each of us daily from unexpected, but beautiful sources.

The learning to survive on the hard days with the positive energy around us, and creating joy and positive energy for others on the good days- that is what we are meant to do. We transfer energy among ourselves to grow in that positive love ourselves. Energy never dies. We can create it, but we can never extinguish it. Love can never die. It can transform, but ultimately it can never die.

It’s the ultimate pay it forward we can gift to others. It cost us nothing to give or to absorb. But what it gives us in return is the capacity to love one another, to love our universe and to love ourselves with a full magnitude at a higher awareness.



World of the blahs

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Well it’s official. I have now entered into the world of the blahs.

I’m functional, and life is happening. But I am in ‘who the fuck cares anyway’ mode with everything. It’s a horrible place to be, but I know it’s natural progression of grief. There I said it. I’m in grief. No, Mr. Bender is not dead. But he might as well be with him gone. I have went on and on about TwinFlames and the push and pull and the running and chasing, and how I had to have faith and patience. But this, where I am right now, I don’t know its going to end. I don’t know that he will return? I’m such an idiot.

We had a conversation about this exact thing years ago on the distance between us and the what-ifs. Why didn’t we finish that conversation of, what if something happened? Well why didn’t we finish it beyond laughing it off as it would be just like one of us falling off the face of the planet? I know at the time it wasn’t a serious serious conversation, a just a what-if? But would I be better prepared today to handle the anger and hurt if we had? What-if we had addressed instead of believing in his ‘nothing is going to happen’ assurance. It was all I needed then. But what about now?

I allowed myself to get angry last night over the whole situation.  I’d been having moments this past week where anger was starting to surface, but I was still talking myself out of fully experiencing them.  Well until last night. I don’t think I was ready to move on from the denial stages before. I’ve had too many psychology classes I guess, and I’m stupidly applying the whole Kübler-Ross model of grief to this to try and make heads or tails and how to deal with my emotions. You know-  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The anger I associate with giving up, not the acceptance stage. Isn’t that kind of odd?  But I don’t give up, I will never give up hope for him. If that makes sense? I am just angry.  Not at him exactly, but there is anger at him. There is anger at uncontrollable circumstances of life that push in on people and their lives and cause chaos, and then there is the anger at myself for even feeling- anger, happiness, hope, helpless, stupid all wrapped up in to one, in the first place. Yes, I know I’m sounding like a whiny cry-baby brat not getting her way!  It just fuels the anger I am harboring.  There is much unfinished. I know that without a doubt. But how do you finish it alone? gaaahhh

I really am okay. I don’t want this to be read as that I’m falling apart. I’m not. It might be easier if I was? lol Its just the processing of all of the ’emotion’ part of things. Negative emotions especially, this is where I in the past in my life that I usually shut down and shut myself off from feeling. I am pushing through this time though. I have to, no matter how much my inner self screams in protest. I am determined.

Summary: Presently I feel like a 10 year old brat not getting her way and am having the biggest temper tantrum of her life and making it worse! I hate myself like this. lol




I’ve written before on this word ‘synchronicity’ and experiencing its meaningful coincidences in regards to what I’ve been thinking on things with Mr. Bender, but what about synchronicity in our everyday life? It happens more than I think I realize.

Wikipedia defines synchronicity as this: Synchronicity is a concept, first explained by psychiatrist Carl Jung, which holds that events are “meaningful coincidences” if they occur with no causal relationship, yet seem to be meaningfully related.[1] 

But what if there is a causal relationship?

Just hear me out.

Around noon today I received a text from a family member, it was a text with pictures included of their family car broke down on the side of the highway and they were waiting for a tow truck. The text also said- THANKFUL. Minutes before the actual break down, they were forced to the side of the road because one of the children in the car was sick. It was while they were pulling over to help the child. that something in the motor went wrong(I don’t know the details of exactly what happened) but the point is- if that child had not gotten sick at that moment that she did, who knows what would have happened to my family while they were traveling close to 80mph?


Not even 30 minutes after that, I received a phone call from my son. He was also having ‘car’ trouble. He didn’t have the near miss as our other family members had experienced. But he also was going to need a tow truck.

What are the chances that 2 separate vehicles in the same extended family have mechanical issues on the same day and in the same hour? Is that just coincidence? And what are the chances of the child becoming sick forcing them to stop moments before the mechanical breakdown?

Now I’m not trying to say that I am under some fanatical belief that this is a sign that holds some magical meaning of what I need to do with my life. Instead I think my sign lesson in this is, it happened to stop my over thinking on synchronicity. I was taking it too far in my head looking for signs and meanings in everything. I am the personality type who wants answers to everything in life and I’m stubborn enough to exhaust myself with it too. This was a perspective check.  Yes, synchronicity exist and I think there is much we have yet to understand on how everything is relative and connected. But we don’t need to go reading into it more than what we’re given by the universe. Instead we just need to smile when we see them happening. Because we know when we know and when they are meant for us we will see them.

Again I’m going to have to keep reminding myself, and obviously the universe is having to step in and hand-slap me too,  that we must have patience and faith in something that is greater than ourselves. When it is time for us to know we will be given the signs and answers that we are looking for and not a before we are ready for them.



The Espirt de Corps of new(OLD) friendships


I know my writing has been- lagging? The past few days have found, me, sitting in front of this screen and keyboard. But I don’t type, I only end up reading post. I don’t know what my malfunction is!? I feel lost. Yes, yes! I know, I’ve been saying I’m lost. But this is a different lost. This is a ‘I feel I’m losing my direction lost.’

But then there’s been a B side to all of this, this time.  I have been writing, and I have been writing with ease with a dear friend on the troubles that are weighing me down. The sharing of our stories with each other has brought me cheer. So I know it’s not that I ‘can’t’ write. Nor that it’s me avoiding my feelings by distracting myself with new friendships. It’s been the opposite of that. I’m dealing with ‘life’ things easier by talking them out. Truthfully, I’m really surprised at how effortlessly the words are flowing in my writings with her, and how my darkness is working it’s way out and to the surface to find light.

But it is more than that, it’s not just her.  It’s been a several of you that I’m finding ease talking with and a discovery of an old ‘espirt de corps’ of friendship, kinship?. Friendship is deficient in describing what it truly is.  I know you. I see me in you. I see you in me. You are all a part of my soul and of this process in  it’s healing. I feel all of your positive energy flowing. It has sparked my own to flow back. I feel all this energy is what is pulling our ‘old’ souls back together again. We have work to do.

I started blogging again to force myself outside of my box to share. I normally am not natural at being able to trust others enough to do that. Or I should really say, trust myself enough to share deeply and honestly with others. I bottle it up. I don’t want to bother others with my problems when most already have problems of their own. Blogging is not really sharing directly with someone.(Ha! Yeah, right!). The reader can either read it or not.  It is still anonymous to a point, and its a medium that has let me find that middle ground of putting it out there, giving me a diary of personal mental progress and process, and I’ve also found I missed it.

The first time I started blogging was over Mr. Bender a few years ago- not just a few weeks. Back then it was basically for the same reasons. I don’t know why I stopped? That’s been a BIG unanswered question I’ve been thinking a lot about the past few days. Going back and reading those old entries on my old blog has been very eye-opening to my obstacles. I see similarities in the place I was at then (in the infancy stages) to what I am seeing in my writing now. It’s almost identical, I’m just more certain of things and more mature in understanding.

My answer to that question why I stopped my journey before- I shut down and crawled back in my protective fort and stopped writing.  I was facing growth, scary growth.  I didn’t know how to navigate all that was happening. I didn’t understand it. So I ignored it. I didn’t have the coping skills. I didn’t have the ‘B’ side that was key to keep going forward and transforming.

Now though, I have found additional support(or you all have found me). Maybe we all gravitated and congregated here together like one of you said- At this exact time, at this exact place! I think THAT is all the difference this time. Not that I’ve found someone to help me fix my problems, it’s WE have found several someone/s who all understand this journey. We all understand what it means to have structure and a listening ear. We all understand that it is ultimately only ourselves who can ‘fix’ our own messes and clear the bad karma away. But we also each understand that support of one another is crucial in being able to work through it. I think we all realize we all need each other for our next part of our journeys.

What I’m trying to say through all this jumble is: I AM SO THANKFUL for my ‘B’ side that has found me this time!  I honor and cherish you ALL for the gifts you are giving to me of yourselves, your time, your support, your encouragement that is enabling me to continue my(OUR) journey this time. You all are remarkable, you all are beautiful, and you all are so magical to me!

Despite how cheesy this is going to sound pulling out my best Jerry Maguire-  you ALL complete me!

I am always here if you need me.

Love light and peace to you all, my Espirit de Corps!



Dear Mr. Vernon


Dear Mr. Vernon,

No I am not in your Saturday detention, but I am writing in response to your assignment: Who do I think I am?

I don’t know how I can exactly answer this satisfactory for your high standards? My words will not be of consequence in 5 years, except only as a journal entry, marking my evolution in growth. But I do think it is an excellent thought provoking question that will make me stop, breathe deeply,  and take stock of where I have came from, where I am now, and decide if where I am headed is where I need to go. I don’t write this for you, I write this for myself.

What I am- is a work in progress. I am, in what I like to believe, constantly always in motion toward self-improvement.  Who I was in 1985 is so different than the me I was in 1995.  2005 I was even more contrasting in personality than previous decades, and so far in 2016 I am unlike anything I have ever previously been or will become.

I am one of the lucky ones who has had her inner light stoked and frenzied by those who have touched my life and set it afire. I have become cognizant and aware of my growing luminescence so much that I note the differences so acutely of those around me who are sadly fading out in loagy weaknesses like that of dying stars.

It is said that when a star is born, atoms of light elements are squeezed under enough pressure for their nuclei to undergo fusion. All stars are the result of a balance of forces.

That Mr Vernon is what I am- a balance of forces.

I AM a star.


Sincerely yours,


#TBC 2016




Walk the Line- a TwinFlame story?



When I’m home alone, I usually have the TV or radio on for that white noise. More times that not it is usually the radio. But last night while I was straightening up around the house, the movie Walk the Line was playing in the background.

The movie is suppose to be based on the life of Johnny and June Cash.  I’m not a huge country music fan. Of course I knew who they were, and I might have been able to have named a song or two by each of them if I had been playing Trivial Pursuit. But before last night my knowledge was really limited.

I found myself getting caught up in their story and I kept interrupting my cleaning to watch the story of Johnny and June.

The story line was difficult to ignore.  The struggles with depression and addiction, the always crashing into each other but that it never seemed to be the right time and place for them… And how they both fought hard against the gravitational pull toward one another that they seem to keep finding themselves in. Only to be pulled back time and time again into each others lives because of some circumstance.

I believe they were TwinFlames. Maybe that’s just the hopeless romantic old soul in me and just what I want to believe for my own bleeding heart. But you have to admit, the cycles match up to that of TwinFlames.

The struggles that they were able to overcome from the clearing of their past karmas is amazing. The fervor and intense feelings that survived between the two of them despite all of the obstacles of other relationships and their separate careers- it really should have never been possible. It might have took them years to realize a peaceful life together, but they found it.

They found their higher vibrations in peace, and it brought them back together back as a whole.

Because TwinFlames, that what they/we/ are meant to do.







aka- Lunacy Lucy


Today is a off day. I’m finding my words are struggling to work themselves out on my keyboard!  I don’t know if its where I am in my head at the moment working through all that has happened over the past few weeks(years!), or if it is just the type of Monday that it has been?  This Monday has been CRA-zy! I really have to wonder if the full moon does in fact play some part of predicting lunacy in others (and ourselves) with the way today has been progressing.   I’ve only been at work for right at 4 hrs and it already feels like I’ve put in a weeks worth of trouble.

That word ‘crazy’  has been forefront in my mind here a lot lately. The things with John Bender and how I feel about him, along with the way things were left and our track record… Then the stumbling onto the term ‘TwinFlames’ and how its resonated as a truth with signs that I’ve felt, and that I’ve witnessed and seen through out the time I’ve known him. Then add in its descriptions and how it just ‘feels’ organic and as natural truth. All of that, it just makes it so easy to believe in and that we are that special. But there’s another side to it.

I ‘feel’ crazy.

Have any of you questioned your sanity along this thought road?

I was raised small town Southern mentality with VERY(even capitalized that is understated!) conservative parents. Anything other than Christian belief and/or its values growing up in their household, was either frowned upon or right out termed as blasphemous and a sin. Not that I believe that way now. But there was a time in my life that I did. Up into my early 20’s in fact. I didn’t know better, it doesn’t excuse it but it was naiveté. There is still a lot that I don’t ‘know’ better on. It seems like the older I become age wise, the less and less I realize what I don’t know.  (I’ll try and write more about that later. I think it would be beneficial to document my progression of spiritual growth in my adulthood even before any of this John Bender stuff.)

I’m pretty sure my background being what it is, is contributing to my feelings of ‘crazy’ but only because it makes me question against the tangible. Not that God is tangible.  I still identify with being Christian. But it is so much more than what is preached(smirk) by today’s Christian society in how and what I believe. I don’t think any of it fits in a box. Fitting it in a box is what allows religion to control people and what also doesn’t allow us progress. Boxing it up keeps us oppressed not only individually but as a society. Christianity has some great fundamentals and ideals on love, but it crucifies itself making it a conditional thing.  Again- I think I need to write a separate entry for this alone.

So I’m back to that word and what I’m feeling at times- crazy. Can there truly be a bond that exist between me and this man, that is felt so strongly that I still feel him even now after almost 2 weeks of no words? Or between any two people for that matter? It doesn’t have to necessarily be me and John Bender.  Is there a real ‘since the beginning of time’ that exist for souls?

Doesn’t that make me ‘obsessive’ to think in those terms? To think there’s no one else for me and blah blah blah…  How many billions are on the planet now? And there is only one? (I type that as a question, but and here is my crazy, I do believe he was the one half taken from me at the beginning of time.)  Gahh!! I hate that word- obsessive! It’s a scary word!  But obsessing is a sign of this existing, right? The not being able to forget them and you know you never will?  Or that’s what I’ve read.

Am I just using the whole ‘TwinFlame’ idea to justify my feelings on something mentally unhealthy and trying to make it mentally healthy?  Ohhh boy, what can of worms have I opened now that I’ve typed all that to the Universe?  I have to wonder, if I  am on the precipitous precipice of slipping into madness with short lucid moments of thinking, ‘Am I going crazy to believe in TwinFlames?’  Are my questions even dignified? Am I moonstruck? Lovestruck? Or is it just dumb luck? Just because I believe in something, does that make it so? If I look for something, am I not welcoming that into my life and so yes I’m probably going to see something to resemble that? So if I think ‘crazy’, by the law of attraction, I’m going to get ‘crazy’? Or am I just observing stating and overthinking what I see and feel?


Footnote- I am so scattered through this. I apologize for the lack of structure and organization. I needed to get it out, but it just was not flowing. I think my own lack of clarity and still figuring out my way and what I believe is why this post seems so awkward and clumsy.

Surviving the year of the Big 4-0

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Its a mix of ‘Hey, its my birthday, today has to be special!’ and ‘Oh crap, its my birthday and that wish I made blowing out all those fucking candles still hasn’t came true!’

This year there is a lot less celebrating being planned. Last year was the big 4-0. After 40 its like  you fall into a hole on birthdays and people don’t know what to say to you or even pretend to care.

On the outside I know I look the same. (Yeah, so much for losing weight by my next birthday!) But I want to start off every conversation with, my inside is different! My heart has loved a man. (btw- none of my family or friends know of that!) This past year I’ve broken chains and walls down inside my head and have found a start of how to forgive myself of things I had no control over in my past. I’m not going nights and nights of no sleep worrying over ‘little’ things. I’m still working on those things, but the woman/girl I am is no where the same as the one at 4-0. I’m kinder to myself.  No I am not where I want to be mentally and/or even physically. But I’m not settling any more like I was in my pat for just the status quo. I’m focused on the looking forwards instead of regretting things behind me that couldn’t have changed anyway.

So I give a birthday toast to myself, that this year will be just as full of growth and chocked full of smiles and silly laughter. That’s my birthday wish and what I really want more than anything for myself. I want a lifetime of smiles and laughter.   (AND John Bender, I always will want John Bender! lol Maybe he’ll pop out of cake for me later only wearing a little g-string covered in buttercream icing?!  Him covered in icing,  not the g-string. 😉 What? Can’t a girl dream?! Its my birthday, get off my cloud!  winks giggles and smirks!)




Signs of Light

I have to admit (my previous post as testament), these past 10 days have been hell on my psyche!

When I started blogging again that week and a half ago, it really was a last ditch effort to grasp onto something to keep me from drowning from the overwhelming flood of emotions of change I did not want, and not being able to do anything about my situation at this present time. Helplessness is not an easy row for me to hoe.

The writing, even boo-hoo’ing my way through on a few of the post, has let me keep Mr. Bender a part of my daily life even without his participation. I don’t even care how sad that may sound to some. You don’t know the connection that exist, you don’t how much I have improved as a person in the short time that I have known him, you don’t know what doors were unlocked inside of me by being charged by his energy. He did not change me, no. I am the me I have always been all along. But the me I am, was covered by all the other daily hats and mask we have to wear for others.  He let me see myself through his eyes with no judgement, no discrimination, he saw me and reflected back to me my own light. He saw me light and dark, good and bad, and he made me feel beautiful because of all of it. I didn’t have to wear mask or hats.

I didn’t think writing would really bring me here.  Yes this week has been hell. But, and  its a huge BUT, I have found something because of this happening that is so special. Even in a short amount of time here, I have made contacts and connections with people who share light, not only letting themselves shine but also helping others see that they shine too. I can’t even begin to describe the energy and the power that has been felt from those connections that I’ve made and that I see being made for others. And I wouldn’t have seen any of that, or benefited from any of this, or witnessed how helpful this community actually is, if Mr. Bender had not had what happen to him and force a seperation. There are so many post/blogs that I am reading, and the comments that are made in support not only to me, but others and their own struggles- It is truly a wonderful thing to witness!

I know I am on the right path. This feels so right to my soul. I am seeing so many positive signs. Not just in myself and for myself, but in the kindness and support for others. That is really what it is all about for us, right? Giving strength to those who are weaker than we are, giving love to all creatures- light and dark and showing them they have light inside of them too, and making the world a softer and better place for our legacies.

The knowing I am on the right path affords me peace that I will find my way back to you Mr. Bender. =)  My light is still shining for you to see if you will just but look.


Harper Lee

I feel it only fitting to honor an author who had one of the biggest influences on me at a time I was so impressionable. I’m glad it was her.

Harper Lee- Thank you for the gift of your humor as only a Southerner can understand and for the warmth  you offered through your writing. I will always want to be like a Mockingbird because of you.

Rest in peace.

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Image result for harper lee quotes