I have to admit (my previous post as testament), these past 10 days have been hell on my psyche!
When I started blogging again that week and a half ago, it really was a last ditch effort to grasp onto something to keep me from drowning from the overwhelming flood of emotions of change I did not want, and not being able to do anything about my situation at this present time. Helplessness is not an easy row for me to hoe.
The writing, even boo-hoo’ing my way through on a few of the post, has let me keep Mr. Bender a part of my daily life even without his participation. I don’t even care how sad that may sound to some. You don’t know the connection that exist, you don’t how much I have improved as a person in the short time that I have known him, you don’t know what doors were unlocked inside of me by being charged by his energy. He did not change me, no. I am the me I have always been all along. But the me I am, was covered by all the other daily hats and mask we have to wear for others. He let me see myself through his eyes with no judgement, no discrimination, he saw me and reflected back to me my own light. He saw me light and dark, good and bad, and he made me feel beautiful because of all of it. I didn’t have to wear mask or hats.
I didn’t think writing would really bring me here. Yes this week has been hell. But, and its a huge BUT, I have found something because of this happening that is so special. Even in a short amount of time here, I have made contacts and connections with people who share light, not only letting themselves shine but also helping others see that they shine too. I can’t even begin to describe the energy and the power that has been felt from those connections that I’ve made and that I see being made for others. And I wouldn’t have seen any of that, or benefited from any of this, or witnessed how helpful this community actually is, if Mr. Bender had not had what happen to him and force a seperation. There are so many post/blogs that I am reading, and the comments that are made in support not only to me, but others and their own struggles- It is truly a wonderful thing to witness!
I know I am on the right path. This feels so right to my soul. I am seeing so many positive signs. Not just in myself and for myself, but in the kindness and support for others. That is really what it is all about for us, right? Giving strength to those who are weaker than we are, giving love to all creatures- light and dark and showing them they have light inside of them too, and making the world a softer and better place for our legacies.
The knowing I am on the right path affords me peace that I will find my way back to you Mr. Bender. =) My light is still shining for you to see if you will just but look.