It has been a few months since I’ve even logged into my site here, or even allowing myself to be present and try to feel my thoughts into song, parameter or rhyme.
For that, I owe each of you an apology. Each of you deserve it. I owe it to each of you who have been so gracious, concerned, and who supported me and my erratic writings encouraging me forward. I left. I turned my light out and left you all in the dark.
I am sorry.
But I didn’t abandon you. I’ve carried all of your inspiration and kindness inside of me, knowing that when I was stronger I would be back.
The last quarter of 2016 for me, was hellish. I know it was for a lot of you too.
I struggled with everyday life in just trying to keep my precious words of creativity in harmony with in real life situations and living. I was unable to do it. I was unable to remain open, and had to pull myself back. I had to conserve the energy that I was bleeding out without replacement, and I had to find my center again.
I think we all go through these cycles of open and closed. When words pull emotions out of the darkness inside of us to share and release it, but the reality hits that we’re not yet ready to face those emotions. Or we pull out monsters and hidden truths we’d forgotten about and it’s more than we bargained for. But we try anyway.
We push when we should hold. For our own sanity, we should hold sometimes. But it’s what we do as wordsmiths, we push the boundaries of our limits to go further. It’s what makes us better. It is what propels us to the stars and beyond, but it also can be our undoing. Being stubborn and not willing to give up, we press and push forward when we should hold.
Most of you are way more skilled and proficient in navigating the emotions that comes with deep sharing that writing allows us to do, and maybe you won’t understand what I’m even talking about because you are so much strong than I. But if you really write from the heart and the center of that darkness, I feel you will understand this more than I am even capable of explaining.
I can’t promise my writing has returned to like it was before. But strings of sentences to untold stories, dorky antidotes, and musings are bubbling and tickling to be seen and shared.
Thank you for staying with me. The kind words you’ve given and sent over the past few months have meant more than I can even express. I am slowly working my way through correspondence and will respond to you soon.
Hugs* for you all!
Side note- John Bender is no longer lost and has found me. 🙂