I am struggling emotionally today. My heart is broken. I had to say goodbye to furbabies this morning, and it is tearing me to pieces.
I so hate even writing here about this, but not because of my emotional struggles. I struggle putting it here because I don’t want to come across as wanting attention or sympathy or wanting to give the impression that I’m a cry baby( even thought I am being a big crybaby! Isn’t that silly?) It’s not the end of the world, I know that. Especially knowing from reading how many of you struggle with family loss. I don’t want it to even be compared to the same thing. But it is one of those things that happens, that drag us down in life.
In the past I tamped down my feelings on things like this and I didn’t deal with emotions. I would keep moving forward not taking the time to emotionally care for myself, or let myself grieve or be angry. But I’ve learned looking back it only would manifest somewhere in the future on me with numerous other things that had built up.
I am trying so hard to break old habits to help myself be more emotionally healthy and to deal with things as best I can. I am trying not to detach from feelings because it is easier in the moment to do that, instead I’m trying to work through as they happen.
But I am so out of my element and feel like I’m bumbling my way through. I don’t know if it is really working- this approach? I almost feel as if I’m making more a mess of myself? I had gotten to a place with the Mr. Bender ‘stuff’ of surviving. But it’s things like this, that I leaned really hard on him. Not to fix it for me. But he made me feel it was okay to fall apart, that it was safe and that I could handle it. He was my encouragement. He made me feel strong. Without him, I may physically know I am okay, but the mental part… I just wish I could hear his voice.
I just need to write.
So humor me, and listen/read my story of my fur babies. I will write it in a separate post, and probably will post it before I post this. If I post this… I haven’t decided yet.
I have to be the biggest emotional fuddy duddy.