Daily Prompt! Fleeting
I couldn’t help but smile at today’s Daily prompt- Fleeting.
The first thing I automatically thought of was the song- The Time Warp from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and it’s lyric ‘It’s astounding, Time is fleeting, Madness takes its toll…’ (you are welcome! You can now curse me the rest of the day for that little earworm!)
How perfect that lyric fits my life at it’s current moment. I am stupefied at the speed which time passes us by. Especially, the days where I complain and moan about nothing ever changing. Time, when looked at in the short picture seems to stand still like a candid shot.
When I do stop and I reflect where I was last month, last year, last decade- nothing has stayed the same. In fact it has passed me by at warp speed that it appears that nothing has changed, when it’s true reality is it is moving so fast I am not registering it. It pulls up quickly the perspective, and usually steals the breath right from my lungs at all that has in fact changed and happened. It truly is a time warp. One that points a direct finger at me that I am no longer the woman I was in that moment in time in any of the past remembrances. It points directly at me and screams, that I am more.
More loved, more broken, more me. More, more, more!
I have been reflecting a lot this year on time and the more ‘me’ that it has gifted me. I still am uncertain what to do with it all, which seems to make it speed by me that much quicker. We are all creatures of movement always marching forward, even when we don’t want to. Time carry’s us along to make sure we still move forward. I get so distracted by the bumps and speed that I take those bumps sometimes, that I don’t appreciate what is happening in the moment. I get caught up in the just traveling the road that I zone out at the present. When I wake up from that trance sometimes years later I realize how much I have taken for granted and how much I have missed out on not being present and accountable for. I was just going through the motions.
My son will be leaving in the fall. Flying the nest to begin his own journey. I could not be prouder of the man I have watched him become, and I’m excited at the opportunities he has built for himself! But it also makes me sad that the years have passed by way too quickly. Those days of endless homework, or nights of sickness with no sleep where I was just going through the motions to just survive and make it through- I wish I had been more present with him, not just surviving. I think any parent facing this new chapter of their child/ren leaving, we would gladly go back and rewind the years a bit to keep those memories closer as they seem to be slipping away.
As I look forward to the next coming months, and next year especially, it scares me at how unprepared I am for fleeting life to pass me by. I am scared not only for my son as he makes the way in this big world on his own, but also my own new chapter. He and I have been a team for close to 17 years on our own. Just me and him in everything. It’s hard to remember what I was before I was a mom. I hadn’t really identified myself when I was blessed with him 18 years ago, and adopted the role of mother well, but I also sidestepped myself when I did. I will of course, always be his mom and always will be here to support him in his triumphs and missteps. But like him, I am on my journey to also discover myself.
Who am I? Who will I be when I am more than ‘just’ his mother? I will no longer have that title of homeroom mom or Ms. B that his friends have come to call me by. I will just be ‘M’, and I don’t know what that is to be yet. If I don’t know, how can anyone else know for me? Only time will answer that clearly as it passes. I just hope I see it and live it in the moment, instead of looking back for answers in hindsight and without that madness taking it’s toll on me as I learn to let him go his own way.
Astounding, time IS fleeting. It is very scary at how true that statement applies to me.