(not my pictures)
Most of my self reflection a-ha moments these days seem to be coming at me like a hard hit line drives to my shortstop position in life. They’ve been roping at me like fiery freight trains out of control. One after the other, non-stop, as if this was batting practice instead of life. I keep swinging those foul balls. I haven’t stuck out. But I’m tired. The puzzle pieces don’t stop clicking into place before the next one and the next after that buzz at my head from the Universes pitcher.
I’m floored by the impact these fast balls are having, not only of realization of why I am doing what I do that hurts me in life and repeating the same patterns, but also I’m being knocked down by how obvious they all seem to me in hindsight. I’m not this stupid!
I know they say ignorance is bliss, but believe me, this is getting a bit ridiculous with the amount of things I have seemed to remain naive about myself on. I obviously am a great pretender and good at avoiding things that I don’t want to deal with.
I’m mad at myself about that, the avoidance. I mean, part of me understands that I was in no shape to deal with this last year, 10 years ago, 20 years ago… But the other part of me? I’m seething about the time wasted from hiding, avoiding, and remaining obtuse on ‘healing’. If I had started even 10 years ago, imagine where I could be now in the process??
And before you start messaging me about the anger at myself =) I am aware and grinning at those angry thoughts trying to detour me even right this moment. Inward anger at myself is a usual defense I always turn to to undermine myself. (One of those a-ha moments this week.) But being aware that self deprecating thoughts and self anger is a coping mechanism that I use to try and avoid the hard stuff, doesn’t automatically stop it from happening in my head. I am afraid this bad habit of mine might take the rest of my life to solve for myself. Being aware is my first step I do think, it’s the first step on the right course for me. So have at the messages if you must! I might need positive reinforcement to help break this very bad destructive habit!
This week especially has been huge in a-has. Along with fighting a head cold, work has been horribly shitty, add to that that I’m still coming to grips of being without Mr. Bender- I see now it has been the trifecta in setting up a breakthrough. All of this has accumulated so much stress for me that manifested in zapping me so completely of energy to make me physically sick and take me down for the count. But I see that it had to happen this way. It wouldn’t have happened if I had not been basically rendered brain comatose.(Have you noticed or have I said that I tend to run a bit on dramatic side sometimes? lol You would have never guessed, huh? Though I might be exaggerating a tad on being comatose, it is dramatic in my life and the realizations impact to me.)
I truly believe everything happens in it’s own place and own time, not on our timelines when it’s convenient.
This week cognitively drained me to the weakest I’ve felt in regards to my mental state in years. I felt so crummy earlier in the week that I could hardly think. So I didn’t. I didn’t think. I couldn’t. (note the comatose comment from earlier lol)
I am normally an over thinker. My brain is usually going non-stop. But that exhaustion took it out of my hands. I think I have been overthinking on purpose to not face, what now seems so glaringly obvious. But I stopped thinking and the answers were just there. No static to distract me, it was just truth that stood naked in plain sight in my head. It was so beautifully broken and sad. But it was my truth.
I will probably write more at some point down the road about those a-ha’s and truths that have been knocking me over. But this here was more about me having to break down(literally) to build up, and how the universe took it out of my hands to make it happen. I guess the universe realized I wasn’t going to get there on my own as long as I was still (over)thinking and trying to control when I needed to let go. It forced me to let go and let the energy flow when I couldn’t fight it. The universe’s way of doing it was a bit more chaotic, and more like a crash course but it had to get my attention.
So here’s to no longer being a pinch hitter in this this ballgame that is MY life. I’m going to be 4th up to bat in this lineup from now on. The crowd will cheer my name as the bases are loaded. I will make my pointing gesture toward the center field bleachers to call my shot in confidence of my abilities. The perfect pitch will be delivered. I will connect hard, ball to bat. Sending that ball sailing out of the ballpark for a home run! Welcome to the grand slam of my life!
footnote- my sorry attempt at weaving baseball into this is for you Mr. Bender in honor of preseason opening week. Play ball, handsome!