World of the blahs

Image result for snoopy angry

 

Well it’s official. I have now entered into the world of the blahs.

I’m functional, and life is happening. But I am in ‘who the fuck cares anyway’ mode with everything. It’s a horrible place to be, but I know it’s natural progression of grief. There I said it. I’m in grief. No, Mr. Bender is not dead. But he might as well be with him gone. I have went on and on about TwinFlames and the push and pull and the running and chasing, and how I had to have faith and patience. But this, where I am right now, I don’t know its going to end. I don’t know that he will return? I’m such an idiot.

We had a conversation about this exact thing years ago on the distance between us and the what-ifs. Why didn’t we finish that conversation of, what if something happened? Well why didn’t we finish it beyond laughing it off as it would be just like one of us falling off the face of the planet? I know at the time it wasn’t a serious serious conversation, a just a what-if? But would I be better prepared today to handle the anger and hurt if we had? What-if we had addressed instead of believing in his ‘nothing is going to happen’ assurance. It was all I needed then. But what about now?

I allowed myself to get angry last night over the whole situation.  I’d been having moments this past week where anger was starting to surface, but I was still talking myself out of fully experiencing them.  Well until last night. I don’t think I was ready to move on from the denial stages before. I’ve had too many psychology classes I guess, and I’m stupidly applying the whole Kübler-Ross model of grief to this to try and make heads or tails and how to deal with my emotions. You know-  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The anger I associate with giving up, not the acceptance stage. Isn’t that kind of odd?  But I don’t give up, I will never give up hope for him. If that makes sense? I am just angry.  Not at him exactly, but there is anger at him. There is anger at uncontrollable circumstances of life that push in on people and their lives and cause chaos, and then there is the anger at myself for even feeling- anger, happiness, hope, helpless, stupid all wrapped up in to one, in the first place. Yes, I know I’m sounding like a whiny cry-baby brat not getting her way!  It just fuels the anger I am harboring.  There is much unfinished. I know that without a doubt. But how do you finish it alone? gaaahhh

I really am okay. I don’t want this to be read as that I’m falling apart. I’m not. It might be easier if I was? lol Its just the processing of all of the ’emotion’ part of things. Negative emotions especially, this is where I in the past in my life that I usually shut down and shut myself off from feeling. I am pushing through this time though. I have to, no matter how much my inner self screams in protest. I am determined.

Summary: Presently I feel like a 10 year old brat not getting her way and am having the biggest temper tantrum of her life and making it worse! I hate myself like this. lol

 

~m

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8 comments

  1. busymindthinking · February 29, 2016

    As one that has been completely forgotten, I can relate to what you write. Huge hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dont You Forget About Me · February 29, 2016

      That! That is my anger exactly! How can we be forgotten? We are locked forever in our heads and hearts to not ever forget, but they can? That’s pish posh! We didn’t feel or believe this all on our own. They were there too. How can something be so remarkable and exceptional only to go to being nonexistent?

      Liked by 1 person

      • busymindthinking · February 29, 2016

        I have asked myself that question a million times and realize that in this lifetime, I will likely never know. Today, peace and awareness are beginning to ripple. Hope and faith I am holding with both hands, that when one door closes, something wonderful is about to happen. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dont You Forget About Me · February 29, 2016

        A new chapter in this adventure of life! It’s exciting! You set a great example of how to handle this with grace, wisdom and positive energy. I’m just trying to keep my head and feet pointed forward even though I feel like I’m stuck in tar and standing still. Thank you for the hugs. It means a lot! Hugs for you!

        Liked by 1 person

      • busymindthinking · February 29, 2016

        I hold to the positive but am treading tar as well, we’ll just pull one another out, okay, grin.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dont You Forget About Me · February 29, 2016

        Deal! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. mysecretme75 · March 15, 2016

    Why is it silly to be feeling grief? Grief is associated with loss, not strictly death. You have/are dealing with a loss. Grief is absolutely appropriate to be dealing with as are the 5 stages of grief you’re going through. Don’t deny yourself your right to be going through and feeling every one of your emotions right now. Be angry. Be angry at him, at yourself, at life, at the fucking neighbor’s dog if you feel like it! lol Feel each one. Don’t shut it out. Healing follows and we’ll be here with you through it. ((Hugs!))

    Liked by 1 person

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