Well it’s official. I have now entered into the world of the blahs.
I’m functional, and life is happening. But I am in ‘who the fuck cares anyway’ mode with everything. It’s a horrible place to be, but I know it’s natural progression of grief. There I said it. I’m in grief. No, Mr. Bender is not dead. But he might as well be with him gone. I have went on and on about TwinFlames and the push and pull and the running and chasing, and how I had to have faith and patience. But this, where I am right now, I don’t know its going to end. I don’t know that he will return? I’m such an idiot.
We had a conversation about this exact thing years ago on the distance between us and the what-ifs. Why didn’t we finish that conversation of, what if something happened? Well why didn’t we finish it beyond laughing it off as it would be just like one of us falling off the face of the planet? I know at the time it wasn’t a serious serious conversation, a just a what-if? But would I be better prepared today to handle the anger and hurt if we had? What-if we had addressed instead of believing in his ‘nothing is going to happen’ assurance. It was all I needed then. But what about now?
I allowed myself to get angry last night over the whole situation. I’d been having moments this past week where anger was starting to surface, but I was still talking myself out of fully experiencing them. Well until last night. I don’t think I was ready to move on from the denial stages before. I’ve had too many psychology classes I guess, and I’m stupidly applying the whole Kübler-Ross model of grief to this to try and make heads or tails and how to deal with my emotions. You know- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The anger I associate with giving up, not the acceptance stage. Isn’t that kind of odd? But I don’t give up, I will never give up hope for him. If that makes sense? I am just angry. Not at him exactly, but there is anger at him. There is anger at uncontrollable circumstances of life that push in on people and their lives and cause chaos, and then there is the anger at myself for even feeling- anger, happiness, hope, helpless, stupid all wrapped up in to one, in the first place. Yes, I know I’m sounding like a whiny cry-baby brat not getting her way! It just fuels the anger I am harboring. There is much unfinished. I know that without a doubt. But how do you finish it alone? gaaahhh
I really am okay. I don’t want this to be read as that I’m falling apart. I’m not. It might be easier if I was? lol Its just the processing of all of the ’emotion’ part of things. Negative emotions especially, this is where I in the past in my life that I usually shut down and shut myself off from feeling. I am pushing through this time though. I have to, no matter how much my inner self screams in protest. I am determined.
Summary: Presently I feel like a 10 year old brat not getting her way and am having the biggest temper tantrum of her life and making it worse! I hate myself like this. lol