I know my writing has been- lagging? The past few days have found, me, sitting in front of this screen and keyboard. But I don’t type, I only end up reading post. I don’t know what my malfunction is!? I feel lost. Yes, yes! I know, I’ve been saying I’m lost. But this is a different lost. This is a ‘I feel I’m losing my direction lost.’
But then there’s been a B side to all of this, this time. I have been writing, and I have been writing with ease with a dear friend on the troubles that are weighing me down. The sharing of our stories with each other has brought me cheer. So I know it’s not that I ‘can’t’ write. Nor that it’s me avoiding my feelings by distracting myself with new friendships. It’s been the opposite of that. I’m dealing with ‘life’ things easier by talking them out. Truthfully, I’m really surprised at how effortlessly the words are flowing in my writings with her, and how my darkness is working it’s way out and to the surface to find light.
But it is more than that, it’s not just her. It’s been a several of you that I’m finding ease talking with and a discovery of an old ‘espirt de corps’ of friendship, kinship?. Friendship is deficient in describing what it truly is. I know you. I see me in you. I see you in me. You are all a part of my soul and of this process in it’s healing. I feel all of your positive energy flowing. It has sparked my own to flow back. I feel all this energy is what is pulling our ‘old’ souls back together again. We have work to do.
I started blogging again to force myself outside of my box to share. I normally am not natural at being able to trust others enough to do that. Or I should really say, trust myself enough to share deeply and honestly with others. I bottle it up. I don’t want to bother others with my problems when most already have problems of their own. Blogging is not really sharing directly with someone.(Ha! Yeah, right!). The reader can either read it or not. It is still anonymous to a point, and its a medium that has let me find that middle ground of putting it out there, giving me a diary of personal mental progress and process, and I’ve also found I missed it.
The first time I started blogging was over Mr. Bender a few years ago- not just a few weeks. Back then it was basically for the same reasons. I don’t know why I stopped? That’s been a BIG unanswered question I’ve been thinking a lot about the past few days. Going back and reading those old entries on my old blog has been very eye-opening to my obstacles. I see similarities in the place I was at then (in the infancy stages) to what I am seeing in my writing now. It’s almost identical, I’m just more certain of things and more mature in understanding.
My answer to that question why I stopped my journey before- I shut down and crawled back in my protective fort and stopped writing. I was facing growth, scary growth. I didn’t know how to navigate all that was happening. I didn’t understand it. So I ignored it. I didn’t have the coping skills. I didn’t have the ‘B’ side that was key to keep going forward and transforming.
Now though, I have found additional support(or you all have found me). Maybe we all gravitated and congregated here together like one of you said- At this exact time, at this exact place! I think THAT is all the difference this time. Not that I’ve found someone to help me fix my problems, it’s WE have found several someone/s who all understand this journey. We all understand what it means to have structure and a listening ear. We all understand that it is ultimately only ourselves who can ‘fix’ our own messes and clear the bad karma away. But we also each understand that support of one another is crucial in being able to work through it. I think we all realize we all need each other for our next part of our journeys.
What I’m trying to say through all this jumble is: I AM SO THANKFUL for my ‘B’ side that has found me this time! I honor and cherish you ALL for the gifts you are giving to me of yourselves, your time, your support, your encouragement that is enabling me to continue my(OUR) journey this time. You all are remarkable, you all are beautiful, and you all are so magical to me!
Despite how cheesy this is going to sound pulling out my best Jerry Maguire- you ALL complete me!
I am always here if you need me.
Love light and peace to you all, my Espirit de Corps!