1.firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
Trust is a abstruse 5 letter word. Let’s all admit right now, trust is a freak! Not just a freak, but a super-duper freaky-deaky freak! It seems so innocent and it can be, but more likely than not, it’s hiding so much behind those closed doors that it can shock you.
The word means so much to be so little in length of letter characters, and despite how we feel we understand its definition, it means something entirely different for each of us depending on our life experience.
There is the trust in the atmosphere- that there will be enough oxygen to keep us breathing for our lifetime. We don’t even question it. We fall asleep breathing and expect to wake up breathing. We take it for granted that it will just be there because it is.
There is trust in time- that there will always enough of ‘it’ to accomplish later what we procrastinated and failed to deal with and finish with today. Even to our detriment at times. We just always think we will get to it tomorrow. The road to hell and all…
But trust in ourselves and others- that is where the freak flag of trust usually flies and the meaning of trust is lost and grows foggy in our minds and hearts. It becomes so hard to define it’s meaning and apply it’s concepts to ourselves personally. We all want to trust, just few of us find ease in doing so.
The past week I’ve been looking inward on myself a lot. Okay, scads more than a lot! I am lost. Lost, may not be the right term. Forgotten may be one that more direct on. I’ve forgotten how to trust in my own life-directing-compass. I’m not at the destination I thought I was at, or even where I was aiming to be at for that matter. This is what is confusing me.
I am realizing the town(metaphorically) I am in, is like the old Hollywood Western Movie sets that were built with the false front stores. It looks like where I want to be? But when I open the doors to those false front stores, it is the same as the place I’m standing in at the front. It is just the reverse view. If that makes sense? I didn’t change myself. I just moved to another corner and satisfied myself with the view was different, so everything else has to be too.
Yesterday I was asking ‘why’? Why have I trusted in something(still unnamed) that seems sooooo right, but has landed me in soooooo the wrong place?? I was asking and looking at this place inside me, getting frustrated, and quite frankly I was getting angry for not knowing the answers.
But I was wrong to question myself like that.
Then this morning it hit me, the only thing I am accomplishing with my frustration and anger, is upsetting myself and my balance. I am closing myself off in doubting and the questioning of my own mind. I AM the one that is causing this. I AM not trusting myself or in myself and, that is something I do have control over. That is something I can work on changing. In fact, it is a bit sobering to realize that I have complete faith and trust in someone else, but not myself. Not only that, but that trust in them and not me is hindering ‘our’ growth. Despite the imitation front that I’ve created, I haven’t changed the mindset. And not changing IS the whole reason why I have been opening up those fake doors to the same things.
Until I trust ‘me’ first, I’m going to be backwards in the universe.
In fear of sounding like a narcissistic brat, I do need to put myself first. We all do. Putting trust in ourselves first, it is the natural order of self-growth. It’s how we can service others to our best ability when we can do that. The idea is, when our own soul is in order and completely self trusted in, there is less maintenance. There is more peace. We can give more. Of course all of this is just my opinion. I may be wrong. But it feels right somehow.
Starting today I’m not going to question. I’m going to try(notice the try) trusting in that freaky-deaky trust. I am trusting that I am exactly where I am suppose to be. I am trusting I am at the exact time of realization that I am suppose to be at. It’s not mine to question my journey.
It’s TO trust my journey.