I truly apologize in advance on this post. It is going to sound a lot like whining. :$ That was not my intended purpose of this blog, the continuing whining and bellyaching that I’m finding myself wanting to do.
Yes, I am traveling the upward road of survival without someone I miss dearly in my life. But don’t we all at some point? I don’t think what I am experiencing is different or ‘more’ than anyone else has ever felt in their own situations of loss.
I had originally thought I would be able to remain positive in my writing as I worked though it. Apparently I was wrong. So I am sorry for any negative emotions or distaste I cause for anyone with this post. Truthfully, I almost didn’t chronicle this thinking I didn’t want that being a theme here. But then one of those little voices told me I had to, that I needed to work it out and document the process. So here I am, putting out private negative thoughts into a blogger. Sorry and again, not sorry. Why do I always feel I need to say sorry? lol Maybe that’s a pondering in-depth blog on myself I need to write at some point? But I digress…
Now that I’ve wasted years explaining my sorriness of being sorry <smirk> let me jump right in.
Since ‘things’ happened with Mr. Bender, I have been carrying this malady- for lack of a better word, in what feels consuming the inside and outside of me. It’s a constricting type of thing in what I can only describe as black matter? It’s a void and an absence. But I know it is there despite its nothingness, because it is so much more than a ‘nothingness’.
That ‘nothingness’ has not left me for one waking second since going in different directions from him. It’s consuming the back of my eyes and the pit of my stomach, leaving me with what feels like a huge lump at the top of my throat. I am physically affected by this ‘nothingness’ more than if it was something forsooth physical that was wrong with my body.
I feel I could burst into tears at the drop of a pin from how it is all weighing and on me. It is at the same time disheartening and demoralizing to my free spirit. And not that I’m going to cry, I will not allow myself to do that. What would I be crying over anyway? It would not change anything, except my ability to carry on with my smile in place without my mascara muddying my face. Who needs a mess of a girl like that? I am in constant fight with the emotions of knowing he will return, but at the same time missing him all the same. And I certainly don’t want to be one of those boohoo blubbering babies doing it all for attention and pity. I will NOT do that. I don’t care how many articles and blogs that I read that say, ‘It’s okay, let it out. You will feel better’. I will NOT do that. I don’t want to feel better. Is that ego? Is that pride? Maybe.
Am I afraid if I do give into that black matter and let myself cry that I won’t find a reason to stop. I know that is silly. I know I have so much around me in happiness and beauty. I don’t want to take away from all that I do have blessing my life or to trivialize all that I do have that is positive in my life. And what if I do give in and let myself cry, will the nothingness leave along with my hope for him? That would be a fine mess all by itself. Is it possible to lose hope for someone you still feel soul attached to? If it is I don’t want to face that yet. No. I. Will. Not. Cry.
I’ll be over here in the corner pouting about ‘all of this’ disrupting my life! Maybe if I stomp my feet, and whine it’ll make it all better? (Its a joke, I kid! lol I promise! I so hate whiners and crybabies, and I so hate that I’m being a BIG one of those right now!)
I’ll admit, this is a hard road to find yourself on with no map to navigate it’s tricky steps all alone. Maybe I’ll feel different when I come out on the other side, and yes, I will come out the other side, but I do not wish this feeling on anyone ever.