Time alone either does one of two things to a person: It either forces you to go introspective on yourself and your situation, or it gives you an excuse to ignore everything and anything and you wind up neglecting your soul. Both can be very cathartic in the right moment, or either can be detrimental if the timing is wrong. In either case you are either not facing facts that you should. Facts that would encourage you to grow and learn, or you are facing realities way too soon and unable to handle the emotional blow back.
thinker, no I’m an over-thinker. I make mountains out of mole hills or I miss the points completely and sabotage myself. The whole: shoulda, coulda, woulda said…
Today has been a slow motion thinking kind of day. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that for once, I am taking small bits and okaying myself with them before moving to the next thought and not trying to compute too many at once or 20 steps ahead of when they should be thought through.
My old habits are changing. Maybe that is what this is all about for me? Me being able to think clearly in time to a metronome instead of at a warp speed heading for a hard right turn into a wall.
A little bit of background: I am an extremely private person. Extremely doesn’t even come close to being the adjective I should use. I don’t share. Period. Or, I didn’t. It was a defense mechanism, I thought it easier to be whatever someone wanted me to be, than to try and introduce them to the ‘real’ me. I wasn’t lying per say, I just was not forthright in correcting their assumptions. I let people gather their impressions and never tried to convince them otherwise. It is actually easier to do than you would think. Most people don’t push to know. Most people enjoy hearing themselves talk and let others think they’re special. They don’t even realize they’re not getting to know you if you keep them talking about themselves. People give to much of themselves away too easily in my opinion. This is a huge step for me, the blogging. But I think it is a good choice. It pushes me to go past my comfort zone somewhat. It is helping me share.
And meeting John Bender I had already begun working on gaining insight on myself. I was changing that old me. But he was the true beginning in this self-improvement adventure I’m finding myself on. He helped me find center. I wanted him to know me. From day one he saw me. Even through email. (yes we met online). Not once did I feel exposed. He accepted me just as I was, and maybe for the first time in my life I was completely honest, not only with him but myself. I didn’t try to reflect or project back on to him in order to hide. He had no expectations of who he wanted me to be. He just wanted me to be ‘me.’ If that makes sense? The trust between us was immediate. That is what I am missing and mourning the most about him, the bond of trust with someone else. The trust with him. He made me feel safe and enough.
I still trust him. But having him present was my safety rope in my steps to elevate my growth. Now without him I’m having to face that ‘me’ without his training wheels. Without him, will I still be Wonder Woman?
This separation from him, I think it is to decide if this is the best me for me. Its to determine if I like myself in who I am becoming. Not because he liked and accepted me, but because it is who I am. Change is happening fast inside of myself. I need this time apart to focus on those changes and adjust.
I have decided I am scared about forging ahead on this part of myself. Change is a scary thing for me.
But I am Wonder Woman! I fly an invisible jet! Who needs training wheels? I can do this, right? <fingers crossed and prayers being said>
And then while putting up laundry my son had a Wonder Woman comic laid out and this was what was on the page…. Can we say Synchronicity!? Whatever it is, it’s fitting! I lOVE THIS!!!
” A new journey to be started.
A new promise to be fulfilled.
A new page to be written.
Go forth unto this waiting world with pen in hand, all you young scribes,
the open book awaits.
And above all else, be young.
For youth is your greatest weapon, your greatest tool.
Use it wisely.”
–Wonder Woman # 62 by George Perez